AN INDOOR CAT'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE SUMMER HEAT
My feelings toward the summer heat are most easily represented in Truman Capote's inaugural novel Summer’s Crossing, when he explains that the humidity makes time flow in one’s veins “thick as honey.” It is suffocating, oppressive; I absolutely fucking hate it. I hate sweating, I hate not being able to wear a scarf and tights; I feel underdressed everywhere I go. I get nauseous and dizzy and irritable. While some people get seasonal affective disorder in the winter, I get it in the summer. I hate getting up in the morning, the nights feel too long. It feels inescapable because it is — we’re stuck like this until Fall. So what's a self-proclaimed indoor cat to do until then?
Stay fucking indoors!
Tis the season for everyone to be inviting you to outdoor activities; beach days, park days, fucking HIKES (the audacity). Just say no! Seriously, don’t do it. Those same people gripe when you invite them out in the snow so don’t even give it a second thought.
Invest in chic summer clothes
If we’re going to be miserable, we might as well look good doing it. If you’re like me and the summer is your personal hell, sweeten the deal by splurging on a great dress, or some linen pants and wear them to death.
The HWIC loves a linen frock!! We have some in the shop by Flax and Sage.
Call ahead wherever you’re going and ask about the air conditioning.
Seriously. Do this. There is no greater form of suffering in the summer heat than arriving at a bar or shop or wherever it is and finding out the owners are the “we don’t need air conditioning the windows are open” type of people. We get it, you're saving the environment and I'm with you, but not in this hotter-than-actual-hell humidity.
Buy a vibrator
There is no worse combination than summer horniness and summer heat. We all want to get off but when its 97 degrees and 60000% humidity we need options that don’t involve another human being putting their full weight on top of us. Get a good one to mix it up with your partner or pass the sweaty hours alone.
Three words — gourmet grocery stores
Supermarkets are almost always fucking freezing, but a midday stroll through Market Basket doesn’t always provide the ambience I crave. Bougie markets where you’d have to sell your soul to afford the bottled water are like walking around a chic food museum with AC.
BUY A BABY POOL
Or one of those blow-up ones. If you can’t get to a real pool, and the idea of baking on a beach with a thousand other people makes you claustrophobic, look no further than the kids department. Fill it up with the hose, put on your sluttiest bathing suit and sit in the backyard away from the dripping masses. My extra pro tip is queue up a playlist or audiobook to listen to while you lounge; my go to at present is Mindhunter: Inside the FBI's Elite Serial Crime Unit.
Line up some good TV
The summer is notoriously a TV drought, but in the age of streaming and Big Little Lies, we need not suffer. My current recommendations, in addition to BLL, are the Good Fight, Taskmaster, Bodyguard, and Charlie Luxton’s Homes by the Sea.
Stay cool, witches!
Caroline Reilly is a reproductive justice advocate and a law student based in Boston, MA. You can find her work on Teen Vogue, Bitch Media, Rewire, Scarleteen, Frontline (PBS), and Death & the Maiden, and where she writes about abortion, medical misogyny, death phobia and more. Additionally, her writing on abortion access for minors, which gained national recognition, can be found here. Find her on Twitter at @ms_creilly.
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